


Apologies

by Fangirlwriting



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Being Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gaslighting, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Protective Deceit | Janus Sanders, Remus Gets Pretty Dark in This Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:49:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27609251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlwriting/pseuds/Fangirlwriting
Summary: "Janus?  Do you think there's a limit, on how many times someone can say sorry before you have to admit... that they're just bad for you?""Oh, definitely not.  I'd love for someone to ruin Thomas' entire life one apology at a time."
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Thomas Sanders, Thomas Sanders (Video Blogging RPF)/Original Character(s)
Comments: 39
Kudos: 168





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure to take the tags seriously, this story focuses on abuse.

Janus hadn’t noticed at first.

You could make any number of excuses that would absolve him of blame as to why. He was still riding the high that came with being (somewhat) accepted, he was dealing with a just as excited Remus, he was making plans on how to work with Thomas with multiple sides still against him, and that was a little bit stressful.

But in the end, no excuse was good enough. He hadn’t noticed at first because he failed at his job, and by the time he took notice of the new person hanging around Thomas all of the time, he was told that it was Jason, and he was Thomas’ new boyfriend.

Naturally, at first he had been thrilled. Thomas had wanted a boyfriend for a long time, and this was another good thing that had happened since he’d been accepted. And while he certainly couldn’t reasonably make the argument that it was because of him… it didn’t look bad.

The first red flag came when Thomas started being woken up in the middle of the night, with calls from Jason asking him to pick him up from a bar. Once or twice was… fine, he supposed. But after six times, with an apology each time and nothing changing, Janus started to get suspicious.

You could also make any number of excuses as to why he didn’t bring up his concerns to Thomas. He didn’t want to risk his tentative acceptance by antagonizing his boyfriend, he didn’t want to risk putting himself at odds with Roman even more, who adored Jason simply for the fact that he was dating Thomas; he didn’t want to jump to a hasty conclusion that would make him seem like an idiot who never thought things through.

But it was the same end result, no matter what excuse he used. In the end, he still failed at his job.

The second red flag came when Jason moved in. They had been dating for four months at that point, which was unnervingly fast. Virgil could speak to that, with all of the time he’d spent freaking out over whether the place was good enough, or too messy, or too small, or…

Most of them spent the week before Jason moved in trying to calm Virgil down, which was another not good enough excuse for Janus to not consider what was really happening. By the time he was thinking about it, everything was already starting to get worse.

It started with Roman, because of course it did. Thomas spent quite a bit of time working on scripts and plans for upcoming videos, so of course Jason was bound to notice.

“Sanders Sides?” Jason asked, raising an eyebrow over the breakfast table. Janus tuned in immediately from where he was watching from across the kitchen. What? He wasn’t Roman, but you couldn’t blame him for liking to be talked about.

Roman, coincidentally, was on the other side of the kitchen (as far away from Janus as possible), and was also listening when Thomas talked about them.

“Yeah,” Thomas said with a bright smile. “It’s a series of videos where I try and explore different aspects of myself using actual metaphysical aspects of my personality. Joan helps make it, we both have a lot of fun.”

Roman was beaming over at Jason as he waited for a response, while Janus was thinking about why he hadn’t known that already. Surely Thomas must have brought it up before now. YouTube was his job, it had to have come up.

Jason gave a thoughtful ‘hmm’ and looked down at his food. “Seems a little childish,” he said, and Janus would never, ever, forgive himself for what happened next.

He looked back over at Roman, who had been waiting in excited anticipation a second ago, and saw his face fall. And Janus chuckled. Roman looked up at him, clearly wounded, and sunk out.

Janus had his issues with Roman. He hadn’t quite forgiven him for making fun of his name when it was so hard to share it. But he saw Jason’s remark as a problem too, and in hurting Roman it hurt Thomas, and he never should have laughed, especially just because Roman was upset.

But at the time, he’d simply smirked to himself and sunk out as well.

He’d grown much more concerned, much too late, when the comments didn’t stop. Jason had apparently watched multiple videos on Thomas’ channel and then come to him with a list of notes. And when Thomas seemed upset, he apologized, but still…

“He’s not part of the channel,” Janus said to Remus one morning over breakfast. “This is Thomas’ job, he has a different one. He doesn’t have any right to get involved.”

“Eh, a little healthy criticism helps from time to time,” Remus said, waving the concerns off in a way that meant he thought they were trivial. “Maybe that’ll help Ro-bro get his head out of his ass. He could use an ego check.”

Janus thought of how he’d walked past Roman’s room last night and seen through a crack in the door Roman frantically going over a pile of scripts and muttering to himself. He thought about how maybe Roman really didn’t need an ego check, but he didn’t say that out loud.

…

Patton had been next. Janus stopped being an idiot the minute Jason said, “Are you sure feeling like that is reasonable?” He’d grabbed Patton and given a short explanation as to what emotional abuse looked like.

Patton gave him a confused look. “I think he was more pointing out the fact that we were extra grumpy this morning,” he said.

“That’s not the point! It wouldn’t matter, he doesn’t get to decide whether or not our feelings are reasonable.”

“Most of the time feelings aren’t reasonable, though.”

“It’s not about that, Patton. It’s the phrasing, do you get it?”

Patton gave him another confused look and shook his head, and before Janus could try explaining again, Patton was yanked upwards in the way that meant he was being summoned by Thomas.

That was when Janus realized the serious mess they had gotten themselves into, and how badly he had screwed up for taking this long to notice.

He tried to talk to Patton again later that day, finding him in his room humming to himself in what sounded a little too anxious for Patton and rearranging the pile of stuffed animals on his bed.

“Patton, we need to talk.”

Patton turned to face Janus in the doorway and gave him a bright smile that looked suddenly fake. “Janus! Of course, what did you want to talk about?”

“Well, as I was explaining earlier before you were summoned by Thomas, I don’t think Jason is a good person to be dating.”

“You said that before, I’m just not really sure what you mean, bud,” Patton said with another confused smile.

“Patton, I understand emotional abuse can be hard to recognize, but I figured you would at least have something of an idea of when it’s happening.”

“Abuse?” Patton shook his head. “Why would Jason do that? He says he loves Thomas.”

“He would say that, yes.”

“Janus, buddy, Jason isn’t you. He doesn’t lie to get what he wants.”

Janus held back a wince. That had stung a little more than he expected it to. “I’m going to let that go because I’m sure this is hurting you and you’re confused,” he said. “But Jason has proven himself to be the kind of person who could very easily lie to get what he wants. And I am not always against that, but this is hurting Thomas. It’s hurting you, and Roman.”

“Janus, buddy, I don’t think you really understand,” Patton said. “Jason said he loves Thomas. He wouldn’t hurt him.”

“He  _ lied. _ Patton, I think I can be trusted to know when someone is lying!”

“Well, you’re not Jason’s Deceit, you’re Thomas.’”

“Yes, and thank heavens for that, because I seem to be the only one trying to help him right now.”

“Janus, look, Jason always apologizes if he does something to upset Thomas—”

“I know Patton, but please. Listen to me.”

“I am. I’m hearing you, bud, but I don’t think you understand.”

Patton had said that too many times in this conversation for Janus to be able to get anywhere. He sighed and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. Coming back and trying again later could be ill-advised. But he clearly wasn’t going to get anywhere with Patton. Maybe Patton would listen better to a different side.

…

Logan’s door was locked, and despite all the knocking Janus couldn’t get him to open it. So for whatever reason, Logan wasn’t an option. That meant he had to get another side to try and get through to Patton. Or Roman, as another potential option. But going to either of them to help the other wasn’t possible for numerous reasons now.

And this… this was where Janus fucked up  _ again, _ because he put off talking to Virgil.

Excuses: Bad blood, uncomfortableness, Virgil won’t listen, Virgil won’t help.

Failing at his job.

With the reasoning of his numerous bad excuses, He tried with Remus first.

Janus had free access to his room in the same way Remus had access to his own (as long as he didn’t break anything or leave anything there), so he pushed it open to find Remus hanging upside down from the ceiling by his tentacles and fighting a bear over a chess board. Janus was pretty sure the bear was eating the pieces.

That had better not be his chess board.

“Remus!” he called.

Remus glanced down at him, which unfortunately gave the bear enough time to bite Remus’ hand off.

Remus gave the bear a look of annoyance, waved his other hand, and the bear and chess board both disappeared. Remus dropped from the ceiling with the stump on his other arm still bleeding out. Janus sighed and waved his own hand, fixing Remus’ for him.

“What’s up, Janny?” Remus asked, sticking one of his tentacles in his mouth and starting to suck on it.

“I need your help to speak to Patton.”

Remus gave Janus a baffled look. “Okay, are you Virgil doing a really bad J-anus impression?”

“I understand it sounds… odd,” Janus admitted, shifting his hands to behind his back. “But Roman and Logan are unavailable.”

“And Virgil hates us both,” Remus said with a little nod.

Janus winced. “Yes.”

Remus shrugged. “Yeah, alright. But I hope you don’t expect this to go well.”

“Well, I am running out of options,” Janus said.

Remus was right, however, and Janus had really always known he would be. Bringing Remus to try and convince Patton of his point just made Patton more confused, anxious, and a little angry. Patton sunk out before Janus got more than a couple sentences out and Remus didn’t get to say anything. As soon as he left, Remus shrugged at Janus in a “you tried” sort of way and sunk out himself.

Well. This left Janus in the same position he had been in before, and one side that he had not tried contacting.

How long could he still put this off?

…

When he finally,  _ finally, _ managed to put his pride aside and go talk to the anxious side, it was when Jason had shoved Thomas for the first time. Thomas had accidentally dropped a glass plate and broken it, and had been about to go find a broom and clean it up when Jason appeared and started yelling. He did so for a couple seconds before he walked forward and shoved Thomas backwards, after which he landed hard on the floor and stammered out some sort of apology. Janus, although he couldn’t really do anything, refused to leave Thomas’ side until Jason was done screaming at him and stormed from the room.

Janus made sure Thomas cleaned up the plate and got him to his bedroom, still separate from Jason’s for the time being, and locked the door, leaving a note on it as an excuse that he needed a nap.

Janus sunk down and appeared in the anxious side’s room about three seconds later and did a double take. Virgil’s room was a mess. Well, it had always been a mess, but not like this.

Clothes were strewn everywhere, Virgil’s bed was unmade, papers were scattered in a way that Janus had grown used to attributing to Roman’s room, or maybe Logan’s. There was enough tension in the air that Janus wasn’t quite sure it wasn’t actually, physically choking him.

Virgil was curled in a ball on his bed. The second he noticed Janus he growled and leapt up.  **“Get out!”**

“Virgil, I need to talk to you.”

**“Out!”**

Janus wondered for a brief second if he was trying to amplify his voice. He didn’t often do it solely because Janus was present in the room with him.

“Virgil, we need to talk about Jason.”

**“I am not listening to anything you say! Why should I trust you?”**

“I am trying to help, Virgil. Are you aware of what just happened? We need to talk about Jason, he’s—”

**“I am not listening to you! Get** **_out!”_ **

Virgil stormed over, reached for Janus, and shoved, sending Janus tumbling out of his room and into the commons. Janus let out a growl of his own in frustration, buried his hands in his hair and pulled. That went about as well as he’d expected it to. It also left him with no allies, aside from Remus, who wasn’t going to help anything.

Janus sighed and reappeared back in Thomas’ bedroom, where Thomas was scrolling through his phone while laying on his bed in a way that most certainly did not look very relaxed. He looked up at Janus when he appeared.

“Are you alright?” Janus asked softly, perching on the edge of the bad.

“I’m fine,” Thomas said, shutting his phone off and setting it aside. “Just feel kinda stupid for making a mistake like that.”

Janus’ heart ached, and he reached out a hand. “Thomas—”

Thomas brushed his hand off and scooted backwards. “I actually am kinda tired. I think I’m going to take a nap.”

Janus sighed and stood up. “Alright. I’ll leave you to it, then—”

“No, wait.”

Janus paused.

“Um. Stay? Please?”

Janus nodded and sat down on the bed again. “Of course.”

Jason apologized after Thomas woke up. He seemed on the verge of tears, upset that he’d let himself get so angry, swearing it would never happen again. Thomas believed him.

Janus most certainly did not.

…

Janus would blame what happened the next morning on being tired. And failing his job again, naturally, but that wasn’t anything new at this point. He woke to Remus’ cackling in the living room, and hauled himself out of bed to go see what was going on.

Remus was holding a bowl of popcorn and staring off into space, which probably meant he was watching Thomas.

“Remus?” he asked through a yawn, still trying to shake his brain into an awake state of mind after being awoken before noon. “What’s so funny?”

Remus cackled again. “Thomas is fighting with Joan,” he said.

That woke Janus up. “Thomas is  _ what?” _

He appeared in Thomas’ room without waiting for Remus to repeat his answer. Sure enough, Thomas was yelling into his cell phone in a way that must have meant Jason wasn’t home, or he wouldn’t be yelling at all.

“It’s not like that!” he snapped. A moment of quiet, and then, “And since when do  _ you _ decide these things?”

There was another moment of muffled yelling from the other side of the phone, and then Thomas snapped “Fine!” and hung up, throwing the phone on his bed.

“Thomas?” Janus asked hesitantly.

Thomas jumped and whirled around to face him. “Oh. Hey, Janus.”

“Are you… alright?” Janus asked, gesturing to the phone.

Thomas sighed. “Yeah, I’m okay. Joan is just asking about why Jason is getting involved with YouTube, as if it’s any of their business.”

Janus hesitated and took a step forward. “Maybe they have a point?” he said slowly.

Thomas gave Janus a look. “All he does is offer criticisms,” he said. “There’s nothing wrong with criticism.”

“Of course not, when given correctly,” Janus said. “But are you sure that’s…  _ all _ he does, Thomas?”

“Well, yeah, it’s just—”

They were both cut off by a door opening downstairs and Thomas going pale very quickly.

“Thomas—” Janus started.

“I have to go,” Thomas said, and rushed from the room before Janus could say anything else.

(Later, Jason would say how sorry he was that Thomas’ friend was getting in the way of what they had. Janus would want to scream at him, but he wouldn’t be heard by anyone other than Thomas, who already wasn’t listening to him.)

For now, though, Janus let out a worried sigh and rubbed his hands over his face before sinking down to reappear in the dark side commons, where he found Remus was still laughing and throwing the last of the unpopped popcorn kernels into his mouth.

“Remus,” Janus said, trying very hard not to get annoyed. “Are you eating popcorn at…” he looked over at the clock on the wall. “Ten in the morning?”

“So what?” Remus said, looking a little sour in the next second. “You’re never here anymore anyway, and if you’re not cooking, why do you care what I eat?”

“Remus, I—” Janus pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ve been a little busy.”

“Yeah, yeah, well as long as you’re busy, I’m gonna eat popcorn at ten in the morning,” Remus said, before disappearing to who knows where.

Janus fought off another groan and decided to go try and spend the day talking to Patton again, as he was more likely to make progress with him than Roman.

Well, “more likely” in the sense that Patton wouldn’t kick him out and instead just deny everything he said with a condescending tone.

It was going to be a long day.

…

The next time Janus was woken up, later that night, it was to screaming.

It was most certainly not any person’s version of morning, so Janus took a moment to look around his room, and then the commons, and when he found nothing there, he checked on Thomas to find… oh no.

“Remus!” Janus screamed, appearing in Thomas’ bedroom. Remus was in the middle of a very loud rant about what Thomas could do to Joan to get back at them, and Thomas was shaking under the covers on his bed.

Remus turned and beamed at him. “Oh, hi Snake Bite!”

“Remus, what are you doing?”

“Having fun!” Remus cried, throwing his arms up in the air with a gleeful grin. “I don’t think I’ve been listened to this much ever!” He turned back to Thomas and started talking about what they could do with Joan’s spleen once they’d extracted it.

“Remus, listen to me—”

“And then you could take their eyeballs and stuff them into a taco and feed it to Talyn—”

“Remus!”

“And then the teeth next! They’d add a nice crunch, and I think that’s really what that meal would be missing, and—”

Janus flicked his wrist and Remus’ hand smacked over his mouth. Remus stopped, both because he had to and due to shock, and turned to face Janus, quite a bit of hurt in his eyes that made Janus’ chest ache.

“You’re  _ not _ helping,” he said anyway.

Remus tried to pull his hand off of his mouth, but despite the moment of desperate instinct that had originally fueled him to silence Remus, Janus bit his lip and refused to back down. He held Remus’ gaze for a good three seconds until Remus finally sunk down, and Janus really hoped he was seeing things when he saw angry tears in his eyes.

“Thomas?” he said quietly, walking over to where Thomas was still shaking on the bed. Thomas poked his head out from underneath the blankets and seemed to calm down a little when he saw Janus instead of Remus.

“It’s alright,” Janus said. “They can’t hurt you, remember? You need to try and get some sleep.”

Thomas reached for Janus’ hand and pulled him down closer to the bed. Janus understood, and sat down on it, holding Thomas’ hand until it stopped shaking and he eventually fell asleep.

Janus slowly let go of Thomas’ hand and sunk back down the commons, where Remus was waiting.

“What the fuck was that, Janus?!” he snapped, and the lack of some kind of nickname only made Janus feel worse. “You said you would never—”

“Remus you  _ cannot _ bother Thomas right now,” Janus said, cutting him off. “It’s only going to make everything worse, I’m sorry.”

“But you said you  _ wanted _ Thomathy to listen to us more!  _ All of us!” _

“Not like  _ this, _ Remus,” Janus said desperately. He had to understand, he had to make him understand, he couldn’t lose another… another ally.

“But— but he’s  _ listening to me!” _ Remus screamed. “Why does that have to mean something’s wrong?! Why does he only  _ ever _ listen to me when something’s  _ wrong?!” _

“Remus, I’m sorry. I am. I—”

Remus cut him off by rushing forward and slamming Janus into the wall behind him. “I want Thomas to  _ listen!” _ he screamed.

“I know,” Janus said quietly.

Remus let go of him and took a step back, seeming to register what Janus was saying. “You… you aren’t going to let him.”

“Not this time, Remus,” Janus whispered, shaking his head and trying as much as possible to get his regret across.

Remus stared at Janus for another moment before his face hardened in anger. “Fuck. You.”

He sunk out.

Janus leaned his head back against the wall, blinking away the tears that were absolutely not there, because he absolutely did not care how Remus felt about all of this. He cared even less what Remus thought of him.

He stayed there for a couple seconds before he vanished and reappeared back in his room. Lack of sleep wouldn’t do him any good either.

…

“So that’s why I definitely want you to stay in there as long as possible,” Janus said to Logan’s door. “Because I absolutely do not need any help from logic right now.”

As always, there was no response from the door. Janus sunk down in front of it and buried his head in his hands, this close to losing it. He had no help left, and no one was listening to him.

He was about to just sink back to his own room and go back to the drawing board, when suddenly a piece of paper slipped out under the door.

Janus snatched it up like a starving man and flipped it over.

I can’t leave my room, and you can’t seem to hear me.

Janus blinked in bafflement and summoned a pencil, flipping the paper over to it’s empty side.

Why not?

He slipped the piece of paper back under the door and waited for hopefully another response. It took about ten seconds before a new piece of paper slipped out.

Emotional abuse and gaslighting make it much harder for someone to listen to logic, and I was not being listened to already. I’m trapped in here and I cannot leave.

Janus flipped the paper over again.

You’re on my side?

Of course I am.

I’ve been trying to convince Patton to listen to me. But he and Roman are…

Janus hesitated before writing the next word down.

…spacey. I don’t think they know what day of the week it is, much less what’s really happening with Thomas.

That makes sense. Roman is the side that represents romance and the ego, and Patton represents emotions, both among other things. With those three things being so strongly under attack, it is natural that they would be confused.

So what am I supposed to do then?

I would recommend talking to Virgil.

Janus blinked down at the paper. He sighed and rested his head back against the door, and waited a moment before sending it back.

I tried that already. He wouldn’t hear me out either. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Logan, but Virgil isn’t the hugest fan of me.

Virgil is Thomas’ fight-or-flight reflex. If you get that to kick in against Jason, Thomas would be much more likely to try and get away from him.

I don’t even know what I could try.

Often victims of abuse are aware that the other person is bad for them, and are putting off fully realizing it due to being too afraid to try and change things. Janus, Virgil is scared. He needs someone to help him through this. I would do it myself, but I can’t  leave.

“Leave” was underlined several times, and Janus got the feeling that for once, Logan was just as desperate as any other side would be. He took a deep breath and scribbled down “Okay, I’m going” on the other side of the paper, and slid it back under the door before standing. He started down the hallway until he reached Virgil’s door.

He knocked, but didn’t wait for an answer, and pushed the door open.

Holy… if he’d thought Virgil’s room was a mess before…

Papers were now strung up on cork boards and connected across the room with string. Many of those strings were acting as clotheslines, and most looked on the brink of collapse. His bed was covered in papers that were crumpled in balls, torn up, or hanging off the edge of the bed.

Virgil himself was curled into a ball, just like the last time Janus had seen him, but instead of under the bed it was under the desk, with his head buried in his arms.

“Virgil?”

Virgil’s head snapped up.  **_“Out!”_ ** he screamed, his voice amplified worse than before.  **_“I told you to get out!”_ **

“I’m not leaving, Virgil. We need to talk.”

Virgil looked like he wanted to make him leave, but Janus was pretty sure the way he was trembling made him too weak to do so.

“Virgil.” He knelt down on the floor in front of him. “Jason has to go.”

Virgil buried his head in his knees again.  **“No, no, no, no, no— no, you— you can’t, you— he— you can’t do that you— no, no, no no no no—”**

_ “Virgil.” _

Virgil stopped, and looked up at Janus, and Janus noticed for the first time how dark and thick his eyeshadow was.  **“You don’t understand,”** he said, and it was clear he was trying to whisper but couldn’t get his voice to quiet down.  **“I know. I know he’s bad, I know he’s _so bad_ for Thomas I just, what if— what if Thomas leaves and he comes after him or— or he ** **_kills_ ** **Thomas or what if he hurts someone Thomas loves and what if— what if someone gets hurt, what if** **_Thomas_ ** **gets hurt because I knew something bad could happen but— but I told him to leave anyway? It would be my fault, Janus,** **_my fault._ ** **Do you understand?”**

Virgil had buried his hands in his hair and was pulling, and Janus reached forward and slowly took them down, moved them until they were in between them both and Virgil had to look at him. “Virgil, that could happen either way,” he whispered.

Something seemed to click in Virgil’s face and his eyes widened.

“Virgil come on,” Janus said. “This has to stop.”

Virgil nearly collapsed into the space in front of him. Janus caught him by the arms so he didn’t fall on his face. “…Yeah, I know,” he whispered, and his voice was a normal volume that time, or at least much softer. His breath caught, and Janus scooted forwards.

“Come here,” he murmured, and pulled Virgil into his chest as he started to sob. They stayed like that for a long time, and Janus would be lying (as if that was new) if he said he didn’t shed some tears himself. Eventually he pulled them both out of Virgil’s room so the room wasn’t going to start affecting him, as that wouldn’t help anything.

They both stayed in the commons until Virgil was done sobbing and could breathe normally again, and then a little bit after that until he sniffed, wiped at his eyes, and turned to look at Janus.

“What do we do?”

“Do you still know how to pick locks? Logan is trapped in his room.”

“I’ll go get a paperclip.”

…

It took Virgil less than a minute to pick the lock to Logan’s door, and when he pushed it open, Logan glanced over in surprise from where he was sitting at his desk with a computer. “Janus, Virgil,” he said, and before he could say anything else, Virgil was walking across the room and pulling Logan up from his chair into a hug.

Janus was surprised with how instantly Logan reciprocated it. He supposed it made sense, with how much abuse could isolate a person, that the aspects of the person’s personality could feel isolated too.

That didn’t stop him from being surprised when Virgil pulled him into the hug, though. He took a minute to relish in how nice it felt to be hugged by Virgil for the first time in… before pulling back and turning slightly to face both of them. “We need to speak to Thomas.”

Logan nodded. “You are correct, that is imperative. I have compiled a list of options as to things we can do, and I have been keeping receipts as evidence when I can, in case Thomas decides he wants to file a restraining order. I think an order of protection would be the first thing he’d want, as those don’t require a court hearing, and—”

“Let’s just get him out of the house, first,” Janus interrupted.

Logan paused, and nodded.

Thomas was in the kitchen when they all appeared, and Jason wasn’t in the house, which was mostly lucky timing, as he was grocery shopping.

“Thomas,” Janus said, and Thomas looked up to see the three of them. He looked like he already knew what was happening. That made sense, they had done all of the talking in his head. “Thomas, we think you need to leave.”

Thomas nodded, biting his lip. “I think I do too,” he said softly. He hesitated. “But— Jason took the car. I don’t have a ride.”

“I would recommend calling Joan,” Logan said.

“Joan?!” Virgil exclaimed. “Last time we talked to Joan we were fighting, we can’t—”

“Virgil,” Janus said, taking his hand and squeezing it tightly.

“Joan knows Thomas, and knows what he’s like,” Logan said. “They’ll understand if Thomas explains.”

“Right. You’re right,” Virgil said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Janus said. He turned to Thomas.

Thomas bit his lip and nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” He pulled out his phone and dialed Joan’s number. The three sides in the room waited with baited breath.

“Joan?” Thomas asked, and there was a pause. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry too. I uh…” There was another pause. “I, um. I need a favor.”

…

Logan had been a little surprised to learn that Janus did all of the cooking for the dark sides. Janus had been more than a little surprised that Virgil was still willing to back him up by calling his cooking delicious, but none of them were complaining. So, for the time being, Janus had taken up cooking for everyone in the mindscape— which seriously fucked with his sleep schedule, but that was  _ fine. _ Ugh.

He had to get used to the kitchen he used looking like Joan’s kitchen for the time being instead of Thomas’, but after a couple days he was more used to it. So as of now, his morning schedule became:

  1. Get up at the ungodly hour of 9:00.
  2. Make breakfast for Remus, who was slowly starting to speak to him again. (At least he came for movie nights.)
  3. Make breakfast upstairs in the light sides kitchen, give Logan and Virgil their breakfasts, since they were usually in the kitchen by the time he finished.
  4. Drop off two plates in front of Patton and Roman’s rooms, and remember to come back a half hour later to pick up the empty dishes.
  5. Finally get to eat his own breakfast, while Virgil and Logan did the breakfast dishes.
  6. Check on Thomas, on every third day, as the job alternated between him, Virgil, and Logan.



He was doing much better as of late. Joan had reassured him countless times that he could stay until he got his restraining order and could live in his own apartment again, and after that if he needed to for whatever reason. It had reassured all four of them that they had picked a fantastic best friend in Joan.

But mornings he had to check on Thomas were definitely still the hardest. It made him feel better if he was sure his center was okay, of course. But it also served to make the tight ball of guilt in his chest even worse. He had messed up so many times trying to fix the problem, and had he simply done a better job, or acted sooner, he could have saved everyone so much heartbreak. Maybe Roman and Patton would be out of their rooms already.

He was pretty sure Virgil could tell that it was getting to him if the looks he was giving were any indication, and this was proven right one afternoon when Virgil suddenly appeared in his room and sat on the bed like he’d come with a purpose.

Janus turned from his desk to look at him. “Can I help you?”

“So you know how grateful we all are, right?”

Janus blinked and turned around all the way. “Pardon?”

Virgil gave Janus a serious look. “I can see you beating yourself up about it, Janus. About everything that happened? You don’t need to. You helped everyone. You figured it out while everyone else was too scared or confused to do anything. You did your job.”

Janus had been intending to make some kind of sarcastic comment, but the second Virgil said that he glared at him in protest and stood up. “I  _ failed _ my job,” he hissed. “I am self preservation. I am supposed to preserve Thomas’ goddamn self, but I took too long to notice anything was wrong and I made far too many mistakes.”

“We  _ all _ made mistakes,” Virgil said, standing up too. “Maybe you made a few more than everyone else, but you were also the one  _ trying _ the most. It was bound to end up that way. And if you failed at your job, I did too. I’m supposed to look out for threats like this and protect Thomas from them. News flash, Jan, if you’re a failure then we’re  _ both _ failures. And you know something else?”

Virgil leaned closer until the two of them were almost nose to nose. “Abuse  _ sucks. _ And you were dealing with it too. Ah ah ah,” Virgil held up a finger as if he could sense that Janus had been about to protest. “You were. We  _ all _ were, it affected  _ all _ of us. And that includes you. If you made mistakes, that’s okay. You know why? Because you got us  _ out of there, _ Janus. You got Thomas away from him, and we all  _ owe that to you.” _

Janus didn’t say anything at first. But, as seemed to be the case lately, Virgil picked up on what he needed and pulled him towards him into a hug. Janus lasted about three seconds before he broke down on Virgil’s shoulder.

Virgil led them both over to the bed and sat them down on it, pulling Janus further down to his chest. “It’s okay,” he said softly.

“I’m going to kill him,” Janus said. “I’m going to find a way to make myself affect the real world, I’m going to find him, and I’m going to fucking kill him.”

“Get in line,” Virgil said with an obvious smile in his voice. “I think Remus calls dibs.”

Janus pulled back a little and gave Virgil a confused look. “Remus?”

“You been in his room lately?”

Janus shook his head.

Virgil chuckled a little. “He stole my cork board idea. I think he’s planned 137 different ways to kill the guy. So far.” Virgil shrugged. “Granted, some of that might be Remus being Remus, but still.”

Janus gave a short breathy laugh of his own, and then paused. “Virgil?” He looked hesitantly back at the other side. “Are you… still scared? That something will happen?”

“Geez, Jan, forget who you’re talking to?” Virgil asked, smiling a little more. Janus didn’t take it back or go along with the joke, though, and after a second, Virgil sighed.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I think I’m going to be for a while.”

Janus nodded a little, and they both sat there in silence for a minute.

“You want to go watch the Nightmare Before Christmas?” Virgil asked suddenly.

“You mean  _ you _ want to go watch the Nightmare Before Christmas?”

“I’m not hearing a no.”

“If you let me make some hot chocolate while you convince Remus to come you have a deal.”

Virgil grinned. “Sweet.”

Thirty minutes found Virgil, Remus, and Janus all on the couch in the light sides commons, and Logan in a nearby chair, all with cups of hot chocolate and blankets.

About halfway through “This is Halloween” there was the sound of someone clearing their throat awkwardly from the hallway.

Everyone glanced over to see Roman, looking much more present than the last time Janus had seen him, and Patton, fidgeting with the sleeves of his hoodie and looking away. “We were wondering…” Roman said slowly. “If… um. We could join you?”

Remus was the first one to react, by making two new cups of hot chocolate appear. “Have a seat!” he called, holding them out.

“Do not drink those,” Janus said instantly, climbing to his feet. “Virgil, pause the movie, I’ll make more.”

Virgil did so, and Janus headed into the kitchen as the two walked over and found spots on the smaller couch off to the side. He heard Remus immediately start talking to them and figured they’d be more comfortable by the time he came back with the hot chocolate.

Just before he walked back into the other room, he checked on Thomas. He was sitting with Joan and Talyn on the couch and they were all eating far too much popcorn and candy as they watched a movie of their own.

Janus let out a breath of relief and headed back into the living room. Yeah. Things were most certainly  _ not _ going to be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This stupid fic wouldn't stop yelling at me that there was more to say until I wrote a part two. So I did. I hope it's happy.

Healing took time. Virgil clearly understood this, as he’d already mentioned to everyone multiple times that they needed to let themselves react however they did for however long they did. And Janus understood it too. There was a reason Janus had never pushed Roman or Patton to come out of their rooms before they were ready, and a reason he waited for Remus to be ready to talk to him again. Healing from an experience like what they’d gone through was going to take time.

But Janus still recognized that a part of that, especially for him, came with apologies. Virgil had told him before that it was okay that he made mistakes, but that didn’t mean apologizing for those mistakes wasn’t important.

He decided to start with Roman. The creative side had been doing much better lately. He seemed to be present, at least. Janus wasn’t sure how well he was coping, but he did know what was going on, and that was an improvement.

Roman still spent most of his time in his room. He and Patton had come out for the first time last night for the movie night, and Patton had hesitantly joined Janus in the kitchen the next morning to help him cook breakfast, but Roman had disappeared back in his room again after the movie had ended, leaving Janus just as concerned as before.

He headed up there after making pancakes with Patton and checking on Thomas, and knocked on the door, making sure to do it quietly in case Roman was actually still asleep or really didn't want to answer. But the sound of footsteps followed his knock, and Roman opened the door slightly a second later.

“Janus?” Roman pulled the door open slightly more, though Janus didn’t miss the way he shifted so he was blocking any potential glance into his actual room.

“Hello, Roman,” Janus replied. “I just wanted to check on you.” He held up a plate of pancakes. “You missed breakfast.”

“Oh.” Roman took the plate of pancakes but otherwise didn’t move. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Janus said. “I wasn’t upset, just concerned.”

Roman snorted. “Oh,  _ you _ were concerned. Great. We’re back to our regularly scheduled program.”

“Pardon?”

“I—” Roman buried his head in his hands. “I’m sorry. I know you have been helping, I know you helped all of us, I just—”

“It’s alright,” Janus said again. “Roman, I actually wanted to apologize.”

That seemed to surprise him. He moved back just a little, and Janus caught a glimpse of crumpled up balls of paper behind him on his bed. “Why?” he asked finally.

Janus took a breath, and shifted his hands behind his back so he could fidget without Roman noticing. “I… did not treat you well during the beginning of Thomas’ relationship with Jason,” he said. “And long before that, actually. I wanted to tell you that I am sorry.”

Roman looked wary, but finally nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Thanks.”

“Roman,” Janus said hesitantly. “You do know that… Jason was wrong about most things he said, right?”

“Uh-huh,” Roman muttered. “Most things. Sure.”

Janus hesitated again. Knowing Roman, he would probably react best if he knew for sure what he was really trying to say, so…

“Roman,” Janus said. “I hope you know that I really do think you are a horrible creator. Your ideas are lackluster and lifeless, and Jason was certainly right about them being very childish.”

Janus was pretty sure he saw Roman smiling, at least a little bit. “Thanks, Janus,” he whispered, and shut the door.

Janus decided not to push it any farther than that for now. His relationship with Roman was likely one that would take longer to fix.

(But Roman coming out of his room again for lunch was certainly a promising sign.)

…

Patton was another story entirely. Janus knew Patton had a problem with repression, but he wasn’t supposed to entirely put aside the fact that he had been through something traumatic. Patton hadn’t come out of his room for a while either, but once he had, he seemed to be trying to pretend he had never vanished into it.

Virgil and Logan both seemed to expect that, and adjusted their schedules to try and make it easier on him. When Janus tried to point out that it wouldn’t actually stop him from pretending he hadn’t been through anything, they just shrugged.

“We’ve tried that with Patton before,” Virgil said. “He’s getting there, but it’s hard for him. He needs to move at his own pace there.”

Janus supposed he could understand that. It didn’t make it less difficult not to call Patton out on it when his smile was so obviously fake, but fine. If he had to be subtle, he could do subtle.

“Patton,” he said. “I was wondering if you could help me with something.”

Patton turned and smiled at him. “Of course. What’s up?”

“I was going to watch a movie, but I have no one to watch it with. Virgil is busy with Logan, and Roman is chasing Remus to try and get his sword back. I was wondering if you would like to join me.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely, kiddo,” Patton said with a smile. “But unfortunately I need to make dinner for—”

“Virgil and Logan are doing that now, that’s what they’re busy with.”

“What? Oh, they didn’t have to do that!” Patton exclaimed. “I should go help them—”

“No, they really insisted and I desperately want a movie watching buddy, Patton,” Janus cut him off, reaching out and grabbing his arm, sinking them both down to the dark side commons. “Now, will you join me please?”

“Oh, I— alright,” Patton sighed. “Let me grab my onesie.”

Janus waited while he did so, and then waited until Patton had sat down on the couch, so that he could sit down close enough to snuggle if Patton wanted to. (Okay, so maybe that part of it was a little less subtle, but Patton did latch onto him almost immediately, so he felt justified with it.)

“Hey, Janus?” Patton said softly, about halfway through the movie.

“Hmm?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

“Well, that is certainly expected,” Janus said, turning to Patton in surprise. “Why?”

“I wasn’t very nice to you while Thomas was dating Jason,” Patton said softly. “And I wasn’t listening when you said something was wrong. Even if nothing had ended up being a problem, I still should have listened if you had concerns.”

Janus was at a loss for words for a moment. “It’s… alright, Patton,” he said. “I wasn’t ever mad at you.”

“You don’t just apologize because someone is mad at you,” Patton pointed out. Well, Janus could agree on that much, at least.

“Alright,” he said. “Likewise, I am sorry if I hurt you in any way, Patton.”

“Well, no,” Patton said softly. “That wasn’t you.”

They were both quiet for a moment, until Janus pulled Patton in for a hug from the side. Patton smiled a little bit up at him as he returned it.

“I’d like to make this a weekly tradition,” Janus said, playing the movie again. “If you would enjoy it.”

“That sounds really nice, kiddo.”

…

Apologizing to Logan was difficult. Naturally, it would be difficult to apologize to anyone who was in denial of the fact that they had feelings at all. Janus was pretty sure he would outright reject any kind of spoken apology, so he would have to find a different way to give him one. Well, in the very least, it wasn’t difficult to figure out what it should be.

“Excuse me, Logan? You look like you have something you want to say,” Janus said. “Would you like to speak?”

Logan gave him a surprise look before quietly saying that he knew a recipe for stew that he’d been wanting to try for a while, if no one else could decided on a dinner option.

Patton lit up at the idea, and Virgil gave a tiny hum of agreement before saying that stew did sound really good, and Janus calmly added that he would be more than happy to help Logan if he should need it. No one else voiced any objections, and Logan looked pleased with the interaction as it finished.

Once Janus started noticing how much Logan  _ wanted _ to share things, it was easy for him to directly ask him to share his thoughts. He made sure he could do it in a way that wouldn’t cut off the other sides too much, as that wouldn’t solve the problem. Eventually Logan seemed to pick up on what he was doing, however, and Janus knew it would only be a matter of time before he was confronted on it— and it was.

“Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not as if I don’t appreciate it,” Logan said. “It’s just not something I’m used to. Is there a reason for it?”

“Well,” Janus said, trying to make his voice gentle but not condescending. “When I took the chance to listen to you before, your ideas solved our problems with Jason. I am trying to continue to listen to ideas that have been good ones in the past.”

Logan nodded slowly as he seemed to process what Janus was saying. “Ah. I see.” He paused. “…Thank you, Janus.”

Janus smiled back at him and returned to the book he had set on his desk, hoping Logan would pick up on the subtext in there. Logan wasn’t exactly particularly observant when it came to social cues. He supposed in the end it didn’t matter. It wasn’t like he was going to stop wanting Logan’s opinion, and that was exactly what Logan seemed to want, ergo progress was being made. He was pretty sure this was a good start.

…

Janus didn’t talk to Remus on his own anymore. He missed doing it, and he missed Remus, but he also understood how much he hurt him, and he wasn’t going to push for forgiveness in any way.

Remus had been talking to him a little more lately, mostly since the movie night that had seemed to be the beginning to the first upward trend in a while. But they hadn’t discussed what happened, and Janus wasn’t sure when to expect it. But Remus wasn’t the type to let that kind of thing go. He was surprised it had taken him this long.

He wasn’t surprised by the  _ way _ Remus ended up bringing it up however— he dropped the breakfast Janus had made for him on the table in the commons and stood there with a purpose until Janus looked at him.

“I’m mad at you,” Remus announced.

Janus swallowed his bite of cereal. “I know.”

“I don’t think you regret silencing me. You promised you would never do that.”

“I know.”

“Why did you do it?”

“I had to, Remus,” Janus said quietly. “I was trying to help Thomas. You know he was in a bad situation. Being scared again that his thoughts were making him a bad person was going to be anything but helpful. But,” Janus said pointedly, looking Remus in the eyes so he could be sure he meant what he was going to say. “I absolutely  _ don’t _ regret hurting you.”

“You didn’t hurt me,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

“Remus, I am amazed you’re trying to lie to me right now.”

Remus didn’t say anything for a moment, just continuing to glare away. “I’m mad at you,” he repeated.

“I know.”

“Are you going to give some kind of speech about why I should forgive you?”

“I’m  _ certainly _ asking you to forgive me. I won’t stop until I convince you to.”

Remus gave him a puzzled look. “Why not?”

“Because,” Janus said softly. “I don’t care for you, Remus, and I certainly don’t care that I hurt you.”

Remus narrowed his eyes for a moment, and Janus didn’t say anything else.

Finally, Remus pulled out the chair at the breakfast table and sat down. “So I heard you and Virgil are best friends again,” he said, poking at the thing on his plate that could barely be called food, although Janus had done his best with the instructions given.

“Definitely we are,” Janus said with a shake of his head. “But I doubt he hates me anymore. Or you, for that matter, if you wanted to talk to him.”

“I’d rather murder him,” Remus said casually, taking what sounded like a very crunchy bite of the thing on his plate. “But I’ll think about it.”

…

Janus had already shared quite a few apologies with Virgil, and vice versa. Both about Jason and other things, so Janus didn’t really feel a need to bring up anything involved again, but apparently Virgil had different ideas.

Janus walked into his room after a particularly long movie with Patton to find Virgil perched on the top of his bookshelf.

“You are aware that’s totally meant for sitting,” Janus said, snapping his fingers to change into his pajamas as he sat down on his bed.

“All the more reason to sit on it,” Virgil said with a shrug. “And this is an intervention.”

“I figured. What for, exactly?”

“You, being too hard on yourself. Again.”

“What exactly are you referring to?”

“Well, you seem to have been going around and apologizing to everyone,” Virgil said, crossing his arms. “And I thought we had this conversation already.”

“I figured it was important to make clear that I regret the parts of this I did wrong,” Janus said.

“Yeah, except we  _ all _ did things wrong, remember? And everyone I’ve asked said you seemed surprised if they apologized back. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that you’re still being too hard on yourself.”

“Virgil, I am  _ honestly _ working on it,” Janus said. “But it’s not an easy thing to stop doing.”

Virgil’s gaze softened. “Yeah, okay, I get that,” he said quietly. He hopped down from the bookshelf and walked over to the bed. “I just want to make sure you know we’re all really grateful for everything you did and are still doing, okay?”

Janus gave Virgil a look. “All I’m doing is making up for—”

“Ugh,  _ no! _ This is my point! You did more than everyone else did and you refuse to acknowledge that! You’re the side who yells about self care and self love all the time, practice what you preach!”

“I’m  _ trying,” _ Janus hissed, burying his head in his hands, because he was getting very fed up with this conversation. “It’s  _ hard to do. _ I know it’s hypocritical, but it’s still hard.”

Virgil sighed, and seemed to calm down. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly.

“I thought we already apologized, quite a few times actually—”

“I’m not talking about apologizing, I’m just talking about like, actually just talking about it.”

Janus hesitated. “You don’t strike me as the kind of person who would love that.”

“Well, I’m here for you right now, Jan. Hit me.” Virgil nudged him in the side gently.

Janus hesitated. He really, really, didn’t like being vulnerable, and the idea of doing so with Virgil was something he hadn’t seriously considered in a long time. But he wasn’t worried Virgil was looking for ammunition or something like that. Even if their relationship hadn’t improved, Virgil wouldn’t do such a thing.

“I felt… helpless,” Janus admitted. “I knew what was going on and why it was a problem, and no one was listening to me, which was infuriating.” Janus chuckled a little. “That must be how Logan feels. And if Jason ever hurt Thomas I would stay there, just so he wouldn’t be alone, and it was just… I couldn’t even do anything.”

“Jesus, Jan,” Virgil whispered.

“I think I might just be doing everything I can think of to make sure I don’t feel that way again,” Janus said, collapsing back on the bed and pushing his hands up onto his face.

“I can understand that,” Virgil said softly. “But we can all help now too. You don’t have to do everything by yourself.”

Janus wanted to laugh at that. That was a mindset he’d had long before Jason. He wasn’t sure he would ever get rid of that one.

“Hey,” Virgil said. “Come on, I’m making you hot chocolate.”

“You don’t have to—”

“It wasn’t an offer, it was a threat. I’m threatening you with hot chocolate.”

“Ah, well, what choice do I have then?”

“None, that’s my point. Let’s go.”

…

Thomas didn’t make a habit of summoning any side lately. They all understood if needed some alone time, and other than their daily check-ins which had slowly become weekly check-ins, they were all giving him space to breathe.

So needless to say, Janus was certainly not at all surprised when he was summoned one morning.

“Ah, Thomas,” Janus adjusted the gloves that he had just finished pulling onto his hands. “You summoned me. What an expected event.”

“Morning, Janus,” Thomas said, smiling at him. He was in his temporary bedroom at Joan’s house, sitting on his bed in a way that clearly showed that he wasn’t in the middle of something. This wasn’t a spur of the moment decision or an accident. Thomas wanted to talk to him.

“Can I help you?” Janus said hesitantly.

“Actually, I was talking to Virgil,” Thomas said. “About some of the things that happened with Jason.”

Janus swallowed. “Ah,” he said. “I am certain that Virgil has over-exaggerated what happened quite a bit.”

“He wasn’t insulting you, Janus.”

“Well, that is exactly what I was worried about,” Janus said, shifting his arms behind him so he could fidget without Thomas seeing. “Thomas, I assure you that whatever Virgil said—”

“I just wanted to say thank you, Janus.”

Janus’ sentence ended in half of a choked off whine.

Thomas smiled a little bit more. “Virgil said you did quite a bit of legwork to get everyone else to listen to you. And that you were trying to say that there was a problem from the beginning.”

“Not from the beginning,” Janus stammered. “I wasn’t—”

“Janus,” Thomas said, shaking his head a little with a chuckle.

Janus stopped. Thomas smiled at him in a gentle way that Janus was pretty sure he’d only dreamed about. “Would you like a hug?” he asked.

Janus had to try very, very hard to keep from whining again. “…what?”

“A hug, Janus,” Thomas said, raising an eyebrow and looking almost amused.

Janus found himself unable to do anything other than nod, meaning that Thomas was the one who stood up and walked over to him before wrapping his arms around him in a way that was far too gentle and made Janus’ breath catch in his throat.

“Thank you for working so hard to help me,” Thomas whispered. “I owe a lot to you.”

Janus was most definitely not crying, that would be ridiculous. And he was definitely going to murder Virgil later for telling Thomas about this, it was happening, Virgil better watch out. Thomas did not eventually move them both back over to the bed to sit down where Janus absolutely  _ did not _ bury his face in his chest and take a couple of deep breaths to try and calm himself down.

Thomas seemed content not to move for a long while, and Janus wasn’t going to move unless  _ forced, _ meaning that they were both sitting there for longer than Janus had expected to ever get to do something like this— well, granted, he hadn’t ever expected to get to do something like this at all. He definitely didn’t hope this was just the first of many.

Given the way Thomas hadn’t moved in what felt like  _ far _ too long at this point, wow he really wished he would move— Janus was pretty sure that was something he could count on.


End file.
